day off number 3. ive had two off so far. today is the 3rd.
tmrw im off too but im going to call in and hopefully get a shift. because i was only able to get 15 hours this week.
alex wants to get a roommate. i dont want one. not at all.
but i am open to the idea. i guess. we decided if when we get back from california in march.. and i dont have another part time job or a full time job doing something else then we kind of have no choice. we paid rent last night and alex told the landlord we were thinking about doing that. he said we will work something out. so now i feel even MORE pressure to get a job before then. because i just dont want to have some stranger living in our house. i guess it could be cool. but i like chilling in my underwear and doing it on the couch if i feel like it.
ha.
anyway.the last two days alex was off too and we had SO much fun. we went on two roadtrips around here. we didnt spend any money except on gas. we went to a place called painted hills. which is AMAZING. its a hour away from here in eastern oregon.
http://www.nps.gov/joda/planyourvisit/painted_hills_unit.htm
its is totally amazing. no one was there. and the hills look like something from mars or jupiter. seriously. it is totally quiet and the hills look crazy. they are made out of lava ash that has turned into clay over time. there are a ton of fossils in the hills. they are over 30 million years old. while we were there it felt like we were on another planet or something. its so weird because every day we have off together we get in the car and go somewhere crazy or beautiful and it feels like we are on some vacation far away but really we are just still in oregon like a hour away from home.
the day before we found this vista lookout point over a city about 30 miles from here called prineville. the sun was setting and we were above the entire city. we were right in the middle of the mountains. i got some fantastic pics of the roads and town down below we were about 100 feet above it all. and i got a ton of good pics of the sunset and the bare trees. they look straight out of a tim burton movie.
alex is developing my pics today and i cant wait to see them.
its already feb! next month is my bday and we are going home for a visit.
yeah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
our plans got changed and im going home for a day with alex to see his mom then im going to sf with him and i HOPE that my sister and malissa will come to the city too and hang out for the day. we will be at mandy lou's house thursday night and then in stockton friday and saturday for the pisces party.
drunken good times are coming our way.
i cant wait to hug my sister and my nieces.

in
out softly slowly
i am running out of time
so its fake
in the
end
but it feels
good
i paint it on
and dress it up
another dream
in someone elses world
i want to stay here
and lay down
inside
this world
we create
for us
words
flow out fast
with little time
to think
or live
we rush
inside this dream
that is made to be
lived slowly

i walk on this tightrope
sometimes i fall in between
sometimes i dance real low
i sway from side to side
there is something solid on both sides
sometimes it all comes crashing down
sometimes nothing below
sometimes something good and soft
i am careful
i am careless
i am happy, singing laughing
crying, doubting, thinking
i am a liar
i am honest
i am judged
and i am free
my hands are dirty
my hands are clean
free from these sins
you have created
for me to make
and still i stand
in front of everyone
with a smile on my face
and the truth in my heart
im free from everything
im trapped inside
this world
we have made
to love
and destroy
you can read my face
you cant tell a thing
these truths
i cannot hide
my heart is on my sleeve
sometimes i cover it
and sometimes you do
smoother me
the way you have to
to be alright
some days..
they are rough
and i am tired
somedays i go on forever
and you stand beside me
and go along for the ride

going to get our uhaul real soon.
my boyfriend is lazy.
but really cute when he sleeps.
had a migraine last night. didnt get to have drinks at valley brew was kind of my going away..
havent talked to my mom.. but i did try..
havent really sad bye to anyone..
not looking forward to packing the uhaul.

work.
= bah.
bah. bah.
same old crap. im drinking a big fat iced tea with lemon. soon i will regret it and be bouncing off the walls.
caffeine = not my friend.
tmrw is friday and that means i only have 2 weeks exactly left of work .
this weekend is my yardsale. and sunday is dump day. and recycling day. i have enough bottles and cans to build something.. i dont know what.. but something..
i talked to my love until 1 am last night. we both CANT wait to get out of california and move into our new house. actually to see our new house. since we havent even seen it except in pictures.
we plotted and planned and talked about a whole bunch of stuff.

22 days left in california.

someday soon everything will be new.

i want to do what i want to do and have no one care or say a damned thing.
i know its messed up to say.. but i really dont care what anyone has to say on certain matters.
bah. bah. bah.
bah.

im gonna move to oregon . live in the country. get a dog. maybe a white horse.
sounds great.

anyway.

we had our picnic today. it was fun. we laughed. drank wine and me and melody plotted some weekend adventures if i end up staying in stockton this weekend.
going thrift store shopping/goodwill shopping. and taking pictures. she has two hella old school cameras.. one is a pentax JUST like i used to have.its the old school kind where you actually LOAD the film. ha. just like the one i learned to take pics on in school and at delta college. i am so stoked on it. alex's friend had one when they were here last weekend. he said he is going to get me one. its really cool and old school. it made me giddy to see her's. so im going to use melody's. i really want to get into photography again/more. i have been hella inspired lately. me and alex went on picture taking adventures at natural bridges and in the mission lately.. oy i would be so excited if i get one soon.

i went to blackwater for open mic after the picnic. saw chris who was working. and saw my hella old friend steve who is visting from chico. he sceduled a massage this week and we caught up.

tmrw im going to dinner at ot's. im gonna make her swim with me in her pool in the dark. i have been busy. and life has been good.

i cannot complain.

work is so BORING.
i am so bored out of my mind.
chris just called me and said he was going up to a lake on private property to work today. he said to say i had a family emergency and he would come get me and we could go swimming all day.
BAH!! i freakin wish.
last night leslie text me and said she was staying in a hotel in sf. she was on her way on the train. and told me to call in so i could stay in the hotel with her and keep her company. if there was not a chance of me getting hella in trouble and written up for calling in i totally would have.
UH.
i am thankful i have a job. but dude. this is torture. there are a million things i would rather be doing. its summer. its beautiful outside. being here all day when its so slow makes me have the worst cabin fever.
today is payday. i am able to save like 600 bucks on this check. because we get paid 3 times this month.
im stoked on that.
tonight im going shopping for all the food for camping. getting things together. doing laundry . my house is hella clean. that is how much wak built up energy that i have built up.
last night i went to the music in the park with melody and tim. and then some other girls came that are pretty rad. we all just sat there and chilled and talked. then we went to blackwater for open mic and then my butt went home and got into bed. i slept HELLA good. i was in a deep deep sleep.
this whole week i have been getting to bed hella late and not wanting to get up at all in the morning. i am not a morning person.
next week for music in the park we are all getting together and having a huge veggie feast and bringing much wine.
stockton does not suck. i dont care what anyone says.
i love it. i am happy to leave. very happy.
but i know a lot of amazing people here.
we have an amazing music scene. i know a ton of amazing artist and photographer and writers..
we have rad places like victory and legion park. the blackwater..
anything is what you make it. the most lame place can be rad with the right people and the right frame of mind.
i have been having hella fun the last month or so. doing things every single day after work and having a hella good time on the weekends in sf.
even when im here on the weekends i have a hella good time.

right now i have so much crazy built up energy in so many forms.
i just want to run around and jump around and scream and yell .
i feel like a tweaker on some really good crack.
i like being happy. but i dont like feeling like this. i feel like im going a mile a minute. when im like this i feel like i cant really contain myself. its like i drank 3 mountain dews and ate a box of donuts.
the worst thing is i know that in a few days or maybe a week i will be left drained and empty and will be depressed for no damned reason.
things are good. except i feel very manic right now.
all i want to do is write. create. run around. laugh. and be crazy.
it started yesterday at work.
and now im just going a mile a minute.
i even went home and cleaned my house super good.
mostly i am just bored as all fucking hell at work. and that does not help.
i could be doing so much more with my time. but im here sitting here all day. barely enough work to get me through 12 pm then i have 4 hours left to sit here and go on the internet and look for jobs and places to live.

the good weekends they keep a comin..
sometimes i think my life is pretty great..

frida kahlo exhibit at the moma
lee miller exhibit..
random amazing art
creme puffs
yummy food
4 vodka tonics
bestfriends
acting like fools (nothing new there)
sf
plotting
porn palaces/ 1 million bondage props. ha.
laughing. laughing. laughing.
cab rides home
passing out
sleeping till 2pm


oh i forgot taking my bra off in the bar and swinging it over my head.
true story.

i belong to a polaroid group there are some amazing pics on there. and some really cool people and journals. im saving my last pack of film for something special. maybe my first week in sf..
humm.
ive been looking. for a place.. alex told me of some other neighborhoods to look at. and there are some good places with really good prices! so i emailed like 7 people.
its hot as fuck. 108 today.
im excited for this weekend.
i have been hella busy. i have been doing something every single day after work. every weekend. i have not been sad or upset. i have been sleeping like a baby!
i feel like things are pretty super. im just impatient and waiting.
waiting waiting.
always waiting..
but finally doing something about it.

a very good sunday includes..
waking up at 10 am..
going to the farmers market and buying yummy fresh organic fruit and veggies
eating veggie burritos and hanging out all day on the couch in the ac talking to my good friends.
eating home cooked dinner with my sister and friends
playing trivia games on the wii after.. and we beat the pants off the boys...
going swimming late at night and floating in the pool with ot...
watching old episodes of sex in the city while we let our hair dry...

finally going home and getting into my bed!

i would have to say today was a good day...

;)

i had a dream last night. that i hella remember.
i was going to a wedding. it was my friend cara's wedding. but it was in los angeles. and not in napa where she is really getting married in real life. and for some reason los angeles was 800 miles away. and i decided to ride my bike. it was a low rider gangster bike. and it was pretty sweet. my sister was going with me. i thought i could ride my bike all the way there in one day. i was wearing flip flops. so i got on my bike and started pedaling and then i made it like 3 miles.. but i thought it was like hella far.. and i realized i could not ride my bike all the way to LA and that i was wearing shorts and a tank top and could not wear that to a wedding. so i stopped off and rented a car and put my bike in the back of the car. then i went shopping and bought this UGLY dress to wear. i dont know what happened to my sister.. or why i didnt drive my own car. or why i didnt go home and get some clothes to wear....

i noticed a pattern. that when i talk to a certain jerk before i go to sleep.. i cant sleep at all. for the entire night. and when i do FINALLY fall asleep i have crazy ass dreams. if someone is your friend they should not make you feel like shit. they should not make you doubt yourself. and your worth. they should not talk to you in a way that makes you feel shittier then anyone has ever made you feel. they should not make you feel like an idiot for your feelings. or not being over something in a week. or needing your space. or not being some idiotic robot that shuts down on feelings like its nothing.
i had a total breakdown last night. and now my eyes are so swollen from crying and lack of sleep that they hurt. the truth hurts. even when i dont really think its the truth at all. just because you want to believe something so much that you spout out words like nothing.. just because you are a fucked up ass person dosent mean that what you are saying is the truth or the way you really feel. its how you want to feel because you are in denial. because you cant deal with yourself. or your feelings. or how your actions effect other people. words hurt worse then any pain ive ever felt. they slap you in the face and cut you deep. and then you get to play them over and over and over again in your head.
maybe im in denial.
it would not be the first time.
last night i was just ready to say fuck it to everything. i cant let anyone have that kind of power over me. where i just want to stop .
where i dont feel like doing this anymore.
i feel so fed up with everything. with a lot of bullshit. a lot of people.
i just felt like forgeting about everything. what ive been working for. what ive been excited for. everything.
i just want to go to sleep.
a lot of situations and circumstances.
i just want to fast forward through this time in my life and move on.

cliff divers syndrome strikes again.

i still say
those were some of the best days
of my life
i am all the days
you choose to
forget
a million ways
defeated
pushed down
i surrender
but not with
grace
i am not that piece
of the puzzle
im getting out of this light
before i blow
your mind
again
we were laying still
until the world surrounded us
and i had to look away
because it felt
far too real
pardon me
when my words slip out
smooth and clear
from the center of my being
tinged with sweetness
and end of tasting bitter
because its too hard
to swallow

i slept through my alarm.
i was having a dream. a crazy weird dream. but i cant remember what it was. all i know is mandy lou was the main person in the dream with me. and maybe she was on my mind since she is the last person i texted before i went to sleep. i have been tired. and i have been sleeping well this week. its a change from being up until 2 am every night. not being able to sleep.
my heart and mind feel heavy.

you were the flame
now you are
twice the burn
deep into
the center
of me
and i cant help
but look
away
and then back
everytime
shame on you
once
shame on me
twice
a million
times
over
until i cant
read
between the lines
anymore
because there is nothing
left to
figure out
we layed in the grass
no one was there
then the world was
surrounding us
we kissed on the mouth
but it dosent
mean
much
when there is nothing
behind it
i push my foot down
and the world accelerated
your crowding me
running into my mind
im speeding away
by no choice of my own